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TenthSeedZed32
TenthSeedZed32
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Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off Empty Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off

March 22nd 2021, 6:37 pm
It started with a young wizard on a quest of self-discovery...

We see a view of Amethyst opening the box containing the Azure Crystal, with Zander grasping it and placing it around his neck as it releases a glow of cyan-hued light.


Zander's voice: Maybe by adventuring, I can figure out who I truly am...

Then came a violence-abhorring warrior with a hidden potential of his own...


We watch as Alph picks up a tome bound in muted cyan leather, revealing a page marked with a sideways-letter "A", as he rotates it to a 90° angle.

Alph's voice: The more fragments we collect, the less obscured the path before us becomes...

Next, a budding young pilot with the ability to use a rare kind of technique...


We see a view of Sky as he wanders through a dark metal corridor.

Sky's voice: I thought my dream was to become a pilot... but the reality is nothing like I've ever expected...

And, of course, a sea captain who quite literally exists in two worlds...


We see a view of Shelley as she leans on the railing of the Hat Eater, flailing her arms as she falls overboard, with Matey failing to catch her in time, before his eyes suddenly widen.

Shelley's voice: That vixen again... why does she keep stalking me, even in my dreams...?

Now, get ready to meet the newest hero...es...


A view of a figure in a deep indigo hooded robe whose face is near obscured and a buff humanoid whose entire head is concealed by a metal helmet suddenly appears with a deep fart sound. The humanoid speaks with an overly-exaggerated English accent.

Humanoid: Ah... would anyone else care for some cabbage surprise?

Figure: Why you...

Off-screen voice: Sure, I'll take some!

The humanoid switches to a rugged American-sounding voice.

Humanoid: You got it!

We hear another fart sound.

Humanoid: Care for some more?

Figure: Do it one... more... time. I DARE you.

Humanoid: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

We hear a third fart sound.

Humanoid: How wazzat?

Figure: Oh, I'll TELL you how zat waz...

The scene suddenly cuts to black as the sound of a lightning bolt is heard.

Humanoid's voice: OOOOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOO!

Tales from the ParoD&Dmension

The scene cuts back to the figure and the humanoid, with a monkey-like creature hanging onto the humanoid's upper torso from their back.


Monkey: Yeek! What happened ta YOU?!

Humanoid: I don't wanna talk about it...

Monkey: Fair enough. Hey, what's that sign say over there...?

Figure: It is nothing.

Monkey: "CABBAGE FRAT HILLS"... hey, weren't you gonna give me some cabbage surprise? Ooh, is THAT the surprise?!

The humanoid shakes their head.

Humanoid: Oh, cr-

The monkey starts writhing around and yelling without letting go.

Monkey: OO-OOO-HOO-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA [etc.]

Figure: You bring this on yourself, you realise?

Humanoid: I said I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!

The monkey accidentally whacks the humanoid's helmet with his fist.

Humanoid: YEOW! THAT... didn't hurt...

Monkey: Sorry. So... how long till we get to Cabbage Frat Hills?

The humanoid lets out a loud, slightly gurgled sigh.

COMING SOON NOW!
TenthSeedZed32
TenthSeedZed32
Admin

Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off Empty Re: Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off

March 22nd 2021, 6:44 pm
Session 0: The Seventh Wheel

***
Webisode 0-1

Scene 1: Roll Call

In a world-

Voice #1: Who said that?!

Hm-hm... In a world-

Voice #1: Are you a g-g-g-g-lich?!

Voice #2: That doesn't... I cannot even-

May I PLEASE finish my introduction already?

Voice #3: Yeah, sure... go ahead, buddy!

Uh... my gender is inconsequential, but-

Voice #2: And yet you assume a deep, heavily masculine inflection?

Voice #1: Wait... he has a disease? He IS a guh-lich!

No, I am not a lich...

Voice #3: Then what ARE you?

I am... the Dungeon Master, and my epithet is "Author of Realms"...

Voice #1: But guh-liches are masters of dungeons...?

Voice #4: As are dragons, my good pal!

Voice #1: Dungeons? In DRAGONS? HA!

Voice #2: Other way around, simpleton...

Voice #1: HEY! My name is RANGER, not SIMPSON!

We hear the slap of a facepalm.

Voice #2: Idiot...

Ranger: RANGER! RAIN... JERRRRRH... uh... I think...

Well then, you've spoiled YOUR name, so let's hear the rest of your names, and we can proceed...

Voice #2: You may call me Wizard. I am an elven-

Wonderful to meet you, Wizard...

Voice #4: Wait... didn't you WRITE her, th-

Next?

Voice #3: I'm Rogue.

Wizard: ...that's it? That is your int-

Next?

Voice #4: Bard's the name, D&D is my game! Hohohoh... Thank you, thank you, you're too ki-

Next?

Voice #5: You may refer to me as "Monk". It is a pleasure, my friends.

Next?

Voice #6: My name is Druid. Delighted to meet each of you.

Ranger: Wait... a druid AND a monk?!

Wizard: One heals our wounds and protects nature, the other uses martial arts techniques in self-defence.

Ranger: Oh, cool... which is which?

We hear another facepalm.

Rogue: Aight, let's get this show on the-

Next?

Rogue: Next? There's no-one else here...

Ranger: She's right...

Wizard: Did you use your superior tracking skills to deduce this conclusion?

Ranger: No, I... hey, are you saying I'm a dumb?!

Wizard: I believe I used none of those words and/or apostrophic contractions.

Ranger: Well, alright then. Hey, you're really nice!

Rogue: HAHAHAHAHA! Are you kidding?!

Ranger: Do I LOOK like a nanny-goat to you?!

Bard: HA! I get it! Most amusing, my good pal!

Alright, let's just get started... the six of you have gathered in a tavern after reading a job listing on a bulletin board...

Bard: What?! Oh, that is SUCH a bog-standard-

***
The party suddenly pops into a dreary swamp.

Bard: -cliché!

Alright then... instead of the Potts' Luck Tavern, you all meet standing knee-deep in the Stun'drrrd Boglands.

Wizard: Fantastic effort, Bard...

Rogue: Way to go, dumdum!

Bard: You don't honestly think that I caused this F-

To be Continued...

***
***
Webisode 0-2

Scene 2: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Morning


Bard: -ABULOUS twist on a tried-and-tired campaign opener, do you? I mean... I honestly would've opened with the classic "five people meet in a tavern" approach... it's sheer genius!

Ranger: But there are SIX of us...

Wizard: Well, looks like SOMEONE'S a genius after all.

Ranger: Aw, thanks, Blizzard!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: I verbalised my hypothesis in advance of making a rational decision...

Rogue: Cheer up, babe!

Wizard: Did... you refer to me as-

Rogue: So we're standing waist-deep in a rotten bog-

Ranger: KNEE-deep, Rouge!

Rogue: Hey, speak for yourself, medium-sized humanoid!

Ranger: MEDIUM?! I didn't know I was a sidekick...

Wizard: The fact that you know ANYTHING at all is truly what amazes me most about you, Ranger...

Ranger: Aw, shucks, heheheh...

Druid: Cheer up, everyone! At least we're together, and this place isn't SO bad. Look at these rich, purple orchids and lilies on the waters' surface.

Ranger: Uh... aren't you s'posed to wait for Arthur to narrate that bit?

Actually, idle speech is a free action, and you are welcome to provide your own perspectives on the scenery...

Ranger: Oh, cool! I'm starving... I "see" an ENORMOUS burger in my hands and eat it!

Ranger stares at his hands.

Monk: I believe it does not work that way.

Ranger: Aw, but Druid got half-orcs and lollies!

Wizard: Yes, but she didn't intend to EAT said "orc kids"...

Ranger: Oh, right...

Wizard: Now, would you be so kind as to allow me the courtesy of how to solve this conundrum...?

Rogue: Druid's right, Wiz. This ain't so bad... my cousin lives in a place like this... 'course it's greener, and the water's pure, but same gist!

Ranger: Yeah! I mean... it's not like an even BIGGER problem's gonna suddenly drop from the-

A sudden flash overhead, followed by a loud-

Voice #7: ...aaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!

The source of the scream splashes into the slimy, slick swamp water...

Bard: Oh, snap!

Wizard: You have GOT to be F-

To be Continued...

***
***
Webisode 0-3

Scene 3: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Afternoon


Wizard: -ATEBENDING right now, Ranger... that is a gift that only my people possess...

Ranger: Your... people?

Wizard: Yes, Ranger. My people, the Sssuullllldrnnnnnehylllllrrrrnnn... or as you humans call them, "elves".

Ranger: Oh... then... am I a health elf?

Rogue: You mean "half-elf"?

Ranger: Do I...?

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: Perhaps it was merely a coincidence...

Druid: Should someone not aid the one who has fallen from beyond the upper veils of Oma?

Rogue: Nah! It's been two minutes, and he hasn't surfaced. No doubt he's-

The being who fell from above suddenly splashes to his feet, drenching everyone but Druid and Bard in murky bog-water...

Ranger: -A GUH-LICH!

Wizard: Ugh... disgusting!

Ranger: Yes, a disgusting, smelly, UH-GUH-LY guh-lich!

Wizard: I was not referring to this CLEARLY STILL LIVING human male...

Ranger: Oh... the splash... so you were referring to-

Wizard: -you, Ranger. Yes, I was referring to you.

Ranger: Hey, don't be mean to Monk!

Rogue: What are you babbling about, Ranger Danger?

Ranger: Wizard just insulted our friend Yu!

Ranger wades to Monk, kicking up multiple pockets of swamp gas trapped in the muddy swamp-bed.

Bard: Oh, my sinuses are ablaze with the STENCH of-

Ranger: Stop being mean, everyone!

Ranger places his hands on Monk's shoulders.

Ranger: Don't worry, Yu, 'cos you got a friend in me.

Monk: Your kindness, whilst unnecessary, is greatly appreciated, and will not soon be forgotten.

Monk bows. Ranger attempts a similar bow, though clumsily knocks his forehead on a gnarled tree branch.

Ranger: OW! My Ajna...

Ranger rubs between his eyebrows.

Voice #7: Uh... I have a question...

Everyone looks at the stranger, who is dressed in clothing from our world, and isn't drenched in bog-water for some reason.

Druid: Of course, gentle stranger. What is your question?

The stranger clears their throat.

Voice #7: Could someone PLEASE tell me what the F-

To be Continued...

***
***
Webisode 0-4

Scene 4: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Evening


Voice #7: -ART-LIKE STENCH in the air happens to be?! Phew!

Bard: Oh, Ranger kicked up a few pockets of swamp gas whilst consoling Monk.

Voice #7: Okay, that's fair...

Wizard: I was certain you were about to enquire as to your dramatic entrance into the surrounding locale.

Voice #7: Well, I-

The stranger looks around.

Voice #7: Hey, now that you mention it...

Druid: What is your name, gentle soul from above the clouds?

Voice #7: Oh, uh... Lock. I'm Lock. And it's called Seattle.

Ranger: What is?

Lock: The place I'm from is... Seattle.

Ranger: You're from the MOON?! Hey, so is Druid!

Wizard: What on Earth are you-

Ranger: Not "Earth", Wizard... "Moon"! MOOOOOOO-NNNNNNNUH... uh... I think...?

Rogue: As you can see, he isn't exactly "schooled".

Druid: Why do you assume I am a lunar being, Ranger?

Ranger: Because you said you're from a circus on the Moon!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: "Circle of the Moon", imbecile...

Ranger: Whatever. Hey, is it anywhere near Satellaview?

Lock: Uh... this is a pretty weird LARP, you guys...

Rogue: Eh, you get used to 'em, Locky.

Bard: Indeed! And I must say your warlockery is most impressive to be able to flash yourself here at 1st-level!

Lock: Uh... thanks? I assume we're in the Everglades or something...?

Monk: In fact it is the Stun'drrrd Boglands.

Lock: Oh, a Magic-themed LARP, eh? Does that make me a newly-sparked Planeswalker or something?

Rogue: The *fart* is a "Planeswalker"...?

Lock: And what's the setting? Dominaria? Innistrad? Ooh, Ulgrotha?!

Wizard: Realmslandia, actually...

Lock: "Realmslandia"...? So homebrew, then...

Rogue: Oh, you bet! I have my own multipurpose distillery in my-

You suddenly sense an ominous presence nearby...

Lock: Oh, is the Dungeon Master hiding in the scenery or something?

Ranger: No, he's just a disembodied voice floating around us... and possibly THROUGH us...

Rogue: Well... THAT'S disturbing...

Bard: Not as disturbing as THIS, my good pal!

Rogue: Huh? What do you me-

You look up at an intimidating figure... a knight donned in the sturdiest ebony armour, forged from pure adamant... riding a nightmare of the deepest ebony coat, and deep violet mist billowing along its neck, hooves and rump...

Ranger snickers.

Ranger: "Rump"...

Knight: SILENCE!

Bard trembles.

Knight: I know both who and what you are, Eternal Seekers of the Order of the Treasured MacGuffin!

Lock: Uh... the what?

The Knight looks in Lock's direction.

Knight: And I am here to stop you

Lock nervously points to their chest.

Lock: Uh... m... m-

Ranger: Him?

The Knight looks at Ranger.

Knight: ALL OF YOU! Tremble before the Might of-

Rogue: Oh... for F-

To be Continued...

***
***
Webisode 0-5

Scene 5: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Night


Rogue: *BLEEP*'s sake! WHY does this happen EVERY *BLEEP* TIME?!

Bard: Uh... tradition?

Wizard: Well, you would know, since you're the bard, Bard.

Ranger: Wait... Bard is a SHEEP?!

Bard: Why do you assume that, my good pal?

Ranger: Because Wizard just spoke to you in Sheepish! "Baa baa" is a common phrase in that language, but you already know that, baa baa...

Bard: I'm afraid you're mistaken, for in fact I am-

Rogue: -a bird!

Ranger: Actually, it's pronounced "BAHHHHH-RRRRRUHRRRRR-DUHHHHH... uh... what was the question again?

Bard: Actually, she's right. I am a bird... and now I see the irony of being a bird bard named Bard Byrd...

Lock: Well, your prosthetics are impressive! They must've taken HOURS to apply!

Bard: Um... thank you, my good-

Knight: Uh... HELLO? Are you not forgetting something here?!

Ranger: Just a minute, random NPC...

Knight: Random? NPC?! Are... you cannot be serious!

Rogue: You're not wrong...

Ranger: Yeah! I'm never not serious!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: How many times have I told you to watch your grammar...?

Ranger: For the last time, Wizard, my Grandma is NOT a dire wolf!

Wizard: I wasn't calling HER a dire WOLF, I was calling YOU a dire BORE...

Ranger: Hey, I LOVE roasted boar! My favourite bit is the apple... mmm...

Knight: Huh. I was certain you would be more of a challenge... nonetheless, I have a role to perform, so let's get it done, and you can be on your way.

Bard: Do you not mean, "I can be on MY way"...?

Knight: It... that is what I stated. "You can be on your way"... how is that not difficult to grasp?

Bard: Oh... I thought you meant... n-never mind. I'll be off then, my good pal. Toodlepip!

Bard leaves the area.

Rogue: Hey, how come HE gets to leave, but we DON'T?!

Knight: Oh, you'll all have your turn.

Lock: Oh, crap! Has everyone rolled initiative already?! I-I don't... I don't have my dice... oh, I must've dropped-

Knight: Between your side and that of my master, the plot requires an equal balance of "straight ones" and "dysfunctional misfits".

Ranger: Hey, did you just call some of us "dense trustfall nitwits"?!

Wizard: No doubt which of the two you happen to be...

Knight: According to my Intel, your group has too many human straight ones.

Ranger: Oh no... you leave Druid out of this!

Druid: But... I am not a human, Ranger.

Ranger: Of course not! You're a human druid, Druid!

Rogue: CAT druid, Ranger.

Ranger: Wait, so... you're a multiclass druid-ranger, Druid?

Wizard: What on Moon are you-

Ranger: Who's also a cat?

Rogue: Well... at least you got SOME of it right...

Knight: Alright, this is getting agonisingly tedious. I'll just pick one of you at random.

The Knight points their sword back-and-forth from Monk to Lock.

Knight: Eeny-meeny-miney-YOU.

A bolt of dark energy fires from the sword at Lock.

Lock: Oh, cool effect!

Rogue: Why isn't he trying to avoid-

Just as the bolt reaches Lock, it suddenly flings left and punches into Monk's chest.

Monk: Oof!

Rogue: Never mind... uh... I-I mean... WHAT THE *BLEEP*?!

Monk is surrounded by a bubble of dark energy.

Lock: Whoa, your DM must have a HUGE campaign budget!

Wizard: Are you absolutely certain that Lock is a straight one?

Knight: Yes. In fact, Lock is now the only human straight one in your party.

Druid: But... what have you done to Monk?

The bubble suddenly pops, revealing a brown monkey wearing Monk's gi.

Wizard: I believe your question is answered, Druid.

Ranger: Hey, yeah! Monk's been teleported away and replaced by a monk-

The monkey screeches and leaps at Ranger's head, pulling at his hair and ears.

Monkey: Ooo-ooo-HAH-HAH-HAH! (etc.)

Ranger: AAH! AAH! MONKEYONMYHEAD! MONKEYONMYHEAD!

Rogue: Aw, looks like you have a new friend, Ranger...

Ranger: Hey, yeah... I have an actual animal companion! After all these years, I'm FINALLY a real-

The monkey knocks Ranger's forehead with a coconut.

Ranger: Ow, my Ajna!

Knight: Well, my work here is done...

The Knight vanishes in a swirl of violet mist, a chilling horse whinny echoing in the air, followed by a glittery sparkle and harp chord.

Wizard: So... now what?

Bard's voice: Hey, come on, everyone! There's a Kakadurudurudu Fried Cockatrice over here, with 24-hour dine-in and unlimited refills!

Rogue: Ooh, sweet!

Wizard: You had me at, "unlimited refills", my pal...

Everyone leaves the water... except Lock, who stands there, eyes widened and stunned.

Lock: ...what the F-

NEXT TIME: The Soiled MacGuffin
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