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- on March 22nd 2021, 6:44 pm
- Search in: Everything else
- Topic: Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off
- Replies: 1
- Views: 120
Scene 1: Roll Call
In a world-
Voice #1: Who said that?!
Hm-hm... In a world-
Voice #1: Are you a g-g-g-g-lich?!
Voice #2: That doesn't... I cannot even-
May I PLEASE finish my introduction already?
Voice #3: Yeah, sure... go ahead, buddy!
Uh... my gender is inconsequential, but-
Voice #2: And yet you assume a deep, heavily masculine inflection?
Voice #1: Wait... he has a disease? He IS a guh-lich!
No, I am not a lich...
Voice #3: Then what ARE you?
I am... the Dungeon Master, and my epithet is "Author of Realms"...
Voice #1: But guh-liches are masters of dungeons...?
Voice #4: As are dragons, my good pal!
Voice #1: Dungeons? In DRAGONS? HA!
Voice #2: Other way around, simpleton...
Voice #1: HEY! My name is RANGER, not SIMPSON!
We hear the slap of a facepalm.
Voice #2: Idiot...
Ranger: RANGER! RAIN... JERRRRRH... uh... I think...
Well then, you've spoiled YOUR name, so let's hear the rest of your names, and we can proceed...
Voice #2: You may call me Wizard. I am an elven-
Wonderful to meet you, Wizard...
Voice #4: Wait... didn't you WRITE her, th-
Voice #3: I'm Rogue.
Wizard: ...that's it? That is your int-
Voice #4: Bard's the name, D&D is my game! Hohohoh... Thank you, thank you, you're too ki-
Voice #5: You may refer to me as "Monk". It is a pleasure, my friends.
Voice #6: My name is Druid. Delighted to meet each of you.
Ranger: Wait... a druid AND a monk?!
Wizard: One heals our wounds and protects nature, the other uses martial arts techniques in self-defence.
Ranger: Oh, cool... which is which?
We hear another facepalm.
Rogue: Aight, let's get this show on the-
Rogue: Next? There's no-one else here...
Ranger: She's right...
Wizard: Did you use your superior tracking skills to deduce this conclusion?
Ranger: No, I... hey, are you saying I'm a dumb?!
Wizard: I believe I used none of those words and/or apostrophic contractions.
Ranger: Well, alright then. Hey, you're really nice!
Rogue: HAHAHAHAHA! Are you kidding?!
Ranger: Do I LOOK like a nanny-goat to you?!
Bard: HA! I get it! Most amusing, my good pal!
Alright, let's just get started... the six of you have gathered in a tavern after reading a job listing on a bulletin board...
Bard: What?! Oh, that is SUCH a bog-standard-
The party suddenly pops into a dreary swamp.
Alright then... instead of the Potts' Luck Tavern, you all meet standing knee-deep in the Stun'drrrd Boglands.
Wizard: Fantastic effort, Bard...
Rogue: Way to go, dumdum!
Bard: You don't honestly think that I caused this F-
To be Continued...
Scene 2: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Morning
Bard: -ABULOUS twist on a tried-and-tired campaign opener, do you? I mean... I honestly would've opened with the classic "five people meet in a tavern" approach... it's sheer genius!
Ranger: But there are SIX of us...
Wizard: Well, looks like SOMEONE'S a genius after all.
Ranger: Aw, thanks, Blizzard!
Wizard: I verbalised my hypothesis in advance of making a rational decision...
Rogue: Cheer up, babe!
Wizard: Did... you refer to me as-
Rogue: So we're standing waist-deep in a rotten bog-
Ranger: KNEE-deep, Rouge!
Rogue: Hey, speak for yourself, medium-sized humanoid!
Ranger: MEDIUM?! I didn't know I was a sidekick...
Wizard: The fact that you know ANYTHING at all is truly what amazes me most about you, Ranger...
Ranger: Aw, shucks, heheheh...
Druid: Cheer up, everyone! At least we're together, and this place isn't SO bad. Look at these rich, purple orchids and lilies on the waters' surface.
Ranger: Uh... aren't you s'posed to wait for Arthur to narrate that bit?
Actually, idle speech is a free action, and you are welcome to provide your own perspectives on the scenery...
Ranger: Oh, cool! I'm starving... I "see" an ENORMOUS burger in my hands and eat it!
Ranger stares at his hands.
Monk: I believe it does not work that way.
Ranger: Aw, but Druid got half-orcs and lollies!
Wizard: Yes, but she didn't intend to EAT said "orc kids"...
Ranger: Oh, right...
Wizard: Now, would you be so kind as to allow me the courtesy of how to solve this conundrum...?
Rogue: Druid's right, Wiz. This ain't so bad... my cousin lives in a place like this... 'course it's greener, and the water's pure, but same gist!
Ranger: Yeah! I mean... it's not like an even BIGGER problem's gonna suddenly drop from the-
A sudden flash overhead, followed by a loud-
Voice #7: ...aaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!
The source of the scream splashes into the slimy, slick swamp water...
Bard: Oh, snap!
Wizard: You have GOT to be F-
To be Continued...
Scene 3: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Afternoon
Wizard: -ATEBENDING right now, Ranger... that is a gift that only my people possess...
Ranger: Your... people?
Wizard: Yes, Ranger. My people, the Sssuullllldrnnnnnehylllllrrrrnnn... or as you humans call them, "elves".
Ranger: Oh... then... am I a health elf?
Rogue: You mean "half-elf"?
Ranger: Do I...?
Wizard: Perhaps it was merely a coincidence...
Druid: Should someone not aid the one who has fallen from beyond the upper veils of Oma?
Rogue: Nah! It's been two minutes, and he hasn't surfaced. No doubt he's-
The being who fell from above suddenly splashes to his feet, drenching everyone but Druid and Bard in murky bog-water...
Ranger: -A GUH-LICH!
Wizard: Ugh... disgusting!
Ranger: Yes, a disgusting, smelly, UH-GUH-LY guh-lich!
Wizard: I was not referring to this CLEARLY STILL LIVING human male...
Ranger: Oh... the splash... so you were referring to-
Wizard: -you, Ranger. Yes, I was referring to you.
Ranger: Hey, don't be mean to Monk!
Rogue: What are you babbling about, Ranger Danger?
Ranger: Wizard just insulted our friend Yu!
Ranger wades to Monk, kicking up multiple pockets of swamp gas trapped in the muddy swamp-bed.
Bard: Oh, my sinuses are ablaze with the STENCH of-
Ranger: Stop being mean, everyone!
Ranger places his hands on Monk's shoulders.
Ranger: Don't worry, Yu, 'cos you got a friend in me.
Monk: Your kindness, whilst unnecessary, is greatly appreciated, and will not soon be forgotten.
Monk bows. Ranger attempts a similar bow, though clumsily knocks his forehead on a gnarled tree branch.
Ranger: OW! My Ajna...
Ranger rubs between his eyebrows.
Voice #7: Uh... I have a question...
Everyone looks at the stranger, who is dressed in clothing from our world, and isn't drenched in bog-water for some reason.
Druid: Of course, gentle stranger. What is your question?
The stranger clears their throat.
Voice #7: Could someone PLEASE tell me what the F-
To be Continued...
Scene 4: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Evening
Voice #7: -ART-LIKE STENCH in the air happens to be?! Phew!
Bard: Oh, Ranger kicked up a few pockets of swamp gas whilst consoling Monk.
Voice #7: Okay, that's fair...
Wizard: I was certain you were about to enquire as to your dramatic entrance into the surrounding locale.
Voice #7: Well, I-
The stranger looks around.
Voice #7: Hey, now that you mention it...
Druid: What is your name, gentle soul from above the clouds?
Voice #7: Oh, uh... Lock. I'm Lock. And it's called Seattle.
Ranger: What is?
Lock: The place I'm from is... Seattle.
Ranger: You're from the MOON?! Hey, so is Druid!
Wizard: What on Earth are you-
Ranger: Not "Earth", Wizard... "Moon"! MOOOOOOO-NNNNNNNUH... uh... I think...?
Rogue: As you can see, he isn't exactly "schooled".
Druid: Why do you assume I am a lunar being, Ranger?
Ranger: Because you said you're from a circus on the Moon!
Wizard: "Circle of the Moon", imbecile...
Ranger: Whatever. Hey, is it anywhere near Satellaview?
Lock: Uh... this is a pretty weird LARP, you guys...
Rogue: Eh, you get used to 'em, Locky.
Bard: Indeed! And I must say your warlockery is most impressive to be able to flash yourself here at 1st-level!
Lock: Uh... thanks? I assume we're in the Everglades or something...?
Monk: In fact it is the Stun'drrrd Boglands.
Lock: Oh, a Magic-themed LARP, eh? Does that make me a newly-sparked Planeswalker or something?
Rogue: The *fart* is a "Planeswalker"...?
Lock: And what's the setting? Dominaria? Innistrad? Ooh, Ulgrotha?!
Wizard: Realmslandia, actually...
Lock: "Realmslandia"...? So homebrew, then...
Rogue: Oh, you bet! I have my own multipurpose distillery in my-
You suddenly sense an ominous presence nearby...
Lock: Oh, is the Dungeon Master hiding in the scenery or something?
Ranger: No, he's just a disembodied voice floating around us... and possibly THROUGH us...
Rogue: Well... THAT'S disturbing...
Bard: Not as disturbing as THIS, my good pal!
Rogue: Huh? What do you me-
You look up at an intimidating figure... a knight donned in the sturdiest ebony armour, forged from pure adamant... riding a nightmare of the deepest ebony coat, and deep violet mist billowing along its neck, hooves and rump...
Knight: I know both who and what you are, Eternal Seekers of the Order of the Treasured MacGuffin!
Lock: Uh... the what?
The Knight looks in Lock's direction.
Knight: And I am here to stop you
Lock nervously points to their chest.
Lock: Uh... m... m-
The Knight looks at Ranger.
Knight: ALL OF YOU! Tremble before the Might of-
Rogue: Oh... for F-
To be Continued...
Scene 5: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Night
Rogue: *BLEEP*'s sake! WHY does this happen EVERY *BLEEP* TIME?!
Bard: Uh... tradition?
Wizard: Well, you would know, since you're the bard, Bard.
Ranger: Wait... Bard is a SHEEP?!
Bard: Why do you assume that, my good pal?
Ranger: Because Wizard just spoke to you in Sheepish! "Baa baa" is a common phrase in that language, but you already know that, baa baa...
Bard: I'm afraid you're mistaken, for in fact I am-
Rogue: -a bird!
Ranger: Actually, it's pronounced "BAHHHHH-RRRRRUHRRRRR-DUHHHHH... uh... what was the question again?
Bard: Actually, she's right. I am a bird... and now I see the irony of being a bird bard named Bard Byrd...
Lock: Well, your prosthetics are impressive! They must've taken HOURS to apply!
Bard: Um... thank you, my good-
Knight: Uh... HELLO? Are you not forgetting something here?!
Ranger: Just a minute, random NPC...
Knight: Random? NPC?! Are... you cannot be serious!
Rogue: You're not wrong...
Ranger: Yeah! I'm never not serious!
Wizard: How many times have I told you to watch your grammar...?
Ranger: For the last time, Wizard, my Grandma is NOT a dire wolf!
Wizard: I wasn't calling HER a dire WOLF, I was calling YOU a dire BORE...
Ranger: Hey, I LOVE roasted boar! My favourite bit is the apple... mmm...
Knight: Huh. I was certain you would be more of a challenge... nonetheless, I have a role to perform, so let's get it done, and you can be on your way.
Bard: Do you not mean, "I can be on MY way"...?
Knight: It... that is what I stated. "You can be on your way"... how is that not difficult to grasp?
Bard: Oh... I thought you meant... n-never mind. I'll be off then, my good pal. Toodlepip!
Bard leaves the area.
Rogue: Hey, how come HE gets to leave, but we DON'T?!
Knight: Oh, you'll all have your turn.
Lock: Oh, crap! Has everyone rolled initiative already?! I-I don't... I don't have my dice... oh, I must've dropped-
Knight: Between your side and that of my master, the plot requires an equal balance of "straight ones" and "dysfunctional misfits".
Ranger: Hey, did you just call some of us "dense trustfall nitwits"?!
Wizard: No doubt which of the two you happen to be...
Knight: According to my Intel, your group has too many human straight ones.
Ranger: Oh no... you leave Druid out of this!
Druid: But... I am not a human, Ranger.
Ranger: Of course not! You're a human druid, Druid!
Rogue: CAT druid, Ranger.
Ranger: Wait, so... you're a multiclass druid-ranger, Druid?
Wizard: What on Moon are you-
Ranger: Who's also a cat?
Rogue: Well... at least you got SOME of it right...
Knight: Alright, this is getting agonisingly tedious. I'll just pick one of you at random.
The Knight points their sword back-and-forth from Monk to Lock.
A bolt of dark energy fires from the sword at Lock.
Lock: Oh, cool effect!
Rogue: Why isn't he trying to avoid-
Just as the bolt reaches Lock, it suddenly flings left and punches into Monk's chest.
Rogue: Never mind... uh... I-I mean... WHAT THE *BLEEP*?!
Monk is surrounded by a bubble of dark energy.
Lock: Whoa, your DM must have a HUGE campaign budget!
Wizard: Are you absolutely certain that Lock is a straight one?
Knight: Yes. In fact, Lock is now the only human straight one in your party.
Druid: But... what have you done to Monk?
The bubble suddenly pops, revealing a brown monkey wearing Monk's gi.
Wizard: I believe your question is answered, Druid.
Ranger: Hey, yeah! Monk's been teleported away and replaced by a monk-
The monkey screeches and leaps at Ranger's head, pulling at his hair and ears.
Monkey: Ooo-ooo-HAH-HAH-HAH! (etc.)
Ranger: AAH! AAH! MONKEYONMYHEAD! MONKEYONMYHEAD!
Rogue: Aw, looks like you have a new friend, Ranger...
Ranger: Hey, yeah... I have an actual animal companion! After all these years, I'm FINALLY a real-
The monkey knocks Ranger's forehead with a coconut.
Ranger: Ow, my Ajna!
Knight: Well, my work here is done...
The Knight vanishes in a swirl of violet mist, a chilling horse whinny echoing in the air, followed by a glittery sparkle and harp chord.
Wizard: So... now what?
Bard's voice: Hey, come on, everyone! There's a Kakadurudurudu Fried Cockatrice over here, with 24-hour dine-in and unlimited refills!
Rogue: Ooh, sweet!
Wizard: You had me at, "unlimited refills", my pal...
Everyone leaves the water... except Lock, who stands there, eyes widened and stunned.
Lock: ...what the F-
NEXT TIME: The Soiled MacGuffin
- on March 2nd 2015, 1:24 am
- Search in: Everything else
- Topic: Transformers Discussion
- Replies: 19
- Views: 2540
EDIT: I'll reveal the schedule below. Each poll will run for a short time, so be sure to vote!
#1: Favourite original cast member
#2: Favourite Series 1 Character
#3: Favourite Series 2 Character
#4: Favourite Fuzor
#5: Favourite Transmetal
#6: Favourite Transmetal 2
#7: Favourite Classic-series Transformers Combiner Character
●Mixmaster (Leader of the Constructicons)
●Silverbolt (Leader of the Aerialbots)
●Motormaster (Leader of the Stunticons)
●Hot Spot (Leader of the Protectobots)
●Onslaught (Leader of the Combaticons)
●Devastator (Combined form of the Constructicons)
●Superion (Combined form of the Aerialbots)
●Menasor (Combined form of the Stunticons)
●Defensor (Combined form of the Protectobots)
●Bruticus (Combined form of the Combaticons)
- on May 8th 2012, 7:59 pm
- Search in: WiiWareWave Exclusive Features
- Topic: My Top 10 Wii Games (Part 1)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 5172
#10) The Conduit
Developed by High Voltage Software
Released on: June 26th 2009
Back around mid-2008 Wii owners got their first look at a New Original IP called The Conduit, developed by the relatively unknown High Voltage Software. The game was touted as being visually comparable to games on the Xbox 360 and PS3, but that’s not all that excited Wii owners. The game offered revolutionary customization of controls, numerous online gameplay modes, and was the first FPS to offer voice chat through Wii Speak.
Why this game: While The Conduit is a typical FPS, I really appreciated what High Voltage Software tried to do; which was to make a game that gave Wii Owners a 360/PS3 experience. I gained a lot of respect for them for trying to do that. Most Wii developers are content with throwing together garbage and releasing it thinking we don’t care about what we play. Well we do, we are gamers too and High Voltage gets that. So thanks guys for doing your best to give us great games.
Goldeneye 007: (Honourable mention)
Developed by: Eurocom
Released on: November 2nd 2010
Goldeneye 007, brought back memories of the N64 version. I sucked at it; I remember my older cousins mopping the floor with me in that game. Nonetheless, I had very fond memories of this game growing up; fond enough that when I heard the announcement for a Wii remake at E3 2010 I almost had a heart attack. Goldeneye is a great game; it’s got numerous online modes, (like the conduit) many from its N64 predecessor and local split screen multi-player.
Why not this game: As much as I did enjoy Goldeneye, even with all the bells and whistles I really wasn’t that big a fan of it. Why? Well like The Conduit, like Call of Duty, like every first-person shooter out there, it's very typical of its genre; running down halls shooting people, and doing it over and over again till the game is done. I’m not saying it’s a bad game, just that I didn’t enjoy it as much as others.
#9) Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
Developed by: Climax group
Released on: December 8th 2009
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, to date the only Silent Hill game I’ve put over an hour into. Despite never playing any of the games for a sufficient amount of time I always was interested in the series, so when I heard that this game was coming out I decided that I had to have it. Going over the details in the months up to its release the thing that caught my eye was the games Psych Profiling system.
Why this game: I love it, that’s why. It’s not so much the game itself (although it too was amazing) but more the little things, as I said in my review seeing individual snowflakes being lit up by your flashlight or seeing your reflection in the mirror as you walk by. The graphics were also top notch, a very good looking and smooth running game. The Climax group did a great job on this game.
Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions (Honourable mention)
Developed by: Beenox
Released on: September 7th 2010
I found this game by accident, seriously such a great game and I stumbled across it by accident. It was in a Gamestop value bin for 17 dollars; I figured “why not” I had some extra cash on my Edge card; I was good. I had always been scared of playing Spiderman games on Wii, with games like that you always expect the controls to be super complicated and a pain to learn. Luckily Shattered Dimensions wasn’t like that.
Why not this game: Shattered Dimensions is a great game and I actually feel bad for having it as just an honorable mention; BUT the game was very buggy and had numerous glitches, like bottomless pits and getting stuck in walls. It's these issues that hamper it from being completely awesome.
#8) Need for Speed: Prostreet
Developed by: EA Blackbox
Released on: November 14th 2007
Prostreet was a different game before I bought it (the first time) I heard very little about it. Yes, it was another Need for Speed game, and yes we would once again have a wide variety of cars to race. Nothing has changed, or so I thought. The feature that drew me to Prostreet was the fact that the game focused on legal street racing rather than illegal. This was new to me because as a kid I grew up with games like Most Wanted Carbon, Hot Pursuit, Underground and Underground 2 and High Stakes. I was really eager to try this one out.
Why this game: I’m sure a lot of people are wondering why a game like this is even on this list, it got mediocre scores in reviews, and wasn’t very well received. Well, folks, the reason Need for Speed Prostreet is on this list is simple, I think it is THE best Need for Speed game on the Wii. After seeing the laziness that was Hot Pursuit, the horrid disappointment of The Run, the slap in the face that was Nitro and the glitchy mess that was Undercover I gained a greater appreciation for Prostreet.
The game looked great, it played great, and there honestly seemed to be a genuine amount of work put into it, which is more than I can say for any of the other games mentioned above. Prostreet didn’t seem like just a watered down pile of crap. It was a good game.
Driver Parallel Lines: (Honourable mention)
Developed by: Reflections Interactive
Released on: March 17th 2007
I had the first Driver game on PS1, unfortunately for me the day I got it my console broke, so I could never play it. So the day I bought Parallel Lines I was going into it completely blind. I never knew what to expect. Like most of these games, I found Driver in a Gamestop and picked it up just for the hell of it.
Why not this game: Driver is a good game, a really good game, but honestly as much as I enjoyed it I didn’t feel that it deserved to be on my top 10. So instead it gets an Honourable Mention.
#7) Redsteel 2
Developed by: Ubisoft Paris
Released on: March 23rd 2010
Unlike movies, nine times out of ten, video games sequels are usually better than their predecessor. Redsteel 2 is a perfect example of one of those games. What drew me to the game? Everything; graphics, gameplay, story, art style, but most importantly the new Wii MotionPlus attachment. I had to see if that thing really offered true 1:1 motion tracking.
Why this game: Redsteel 2 is a great game and just downright fun to play. Like I said in my review, it's not as linear as the first game, and there are so many more gameplay options. The ability to change your weapons on the fly really made it that much more fun to play. Its perfect example of what a sequel should be.
Redsteel: (Honourable mention)
Developed by: Ubisoft Paris
Released on: November 19th, 2006
Redsteel was the first Third Party game announced for the Wii when it launched back in 2006. It had an interesting premise; A first-person shooter with sword fighting thrown into the mix. A combo I never thought I would ever see, (or think of) yet here it was. Because Redsteel 2 was a few months away I decided that I would pick up the first game just to see how it was.
Why not this game: Redsteel was not the greatest game, I hated the controls, and a few other things. But it gets an Honourable Mention because, for being the first new game on a new system, one with a radical new control scheme I think Ubisoft did a great job.
#6) Cursed Mountain
Developed by: Sporing Interactive
Released on: August 25th 2009
If not for Jnes5 reviewing this game I never would have picked it up; so thanks Jnes5. Cursed Mountain is just another one of the many/few great Third Party Wii games. Like the others, I heard nothing about this game, no ads, no in-store advertising - nothing. Being a fan of horror games (and not being scared by either Silent Hill or Resident Evil) I decided to give this game a try.
Why this game: Of all the horror games I’ve played Cursed Mountain was the only one to really and truly scare me. Instead of using in your face scares, the game's abandoned environments and eerie atmosphere give you an unsettling feeling. Like I said in my review, it sucks that this game is not very popular, it's very good, dare I as better than the Resident Evil offerings on Wii. Looks like its time to take some notes Capcom.
Onslaught: (Honourable mention)
Developed by: Shade
Released on: February 23rd 2009
Onslaught an online First person Shooter on Wii, released through the WiiWare Download Service. When I heard about this, I just had to get this game. I had to see how this was going to work. Surprisingly, it worked, and well, the campaign was a decent length and the online was ok.
Why not this game: After a while Onslaught got boring, as great and lag free and smooth the online ran, eventually people disappeared from the online server. Onslaught with friends is a good game but it’s very generic and dull. I felt that I should mention it because as far as I know this was the first time anyone had tried this with a Wiiware game and I applaud Shade. Good Job guys.
There it is Part one of my list of Top 10 Wii Games. Hope you guys enjoyed it. There are Reviews of all the games mentioned here on Wiiwarewave and on my site KingreX32’s Reviews. Stop by and check them out. Stay tuned for Part Two. Thanks for reading.