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BlueRangerJack
BlueRangerJack
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Crystals of Silveria Abridged, Vol. II - A Meta-Parody... thing by the Author Empty Crystals of Silveria Abridged, Vol. II - A Meta-Parody... thing by the Author

on November 16th 2020, 7:15 am
The story continues... well, some version thereof... Razz

***
Episode 11: The Big City Spoiler Montage, Part I

***
Scene 1: Guild Quarter: Platinia City: Late Morning

The party walks through a busy street. Bryn has a big smile on her face. She opens out her arms.

Bryn: Ah, Platinia City... there's no place like home!

Mak: Hail Dorothy.

Bryn: Why yes, I AM back to my real gender. Thanks for noticing, Makkmak!

Brocc: Bryn, your persona was still female. You were transformed into a male in only a PHYSICAL capacity.

Bryn: Yeah, yeah, just because I was testosterine-

Brocc: Uh... "testosterine" isn't a-

Bryn: Don't interrupt me, Brocc!

Brocc: You interrupted ME, Br-

Bryn: Because YOU interrupted me FIRST, Br-

Thobrun: SHUT THE BRYN AND BROCC UP!

Everyone shuts up.

Thobrun: Good. Let's try to stay this way until we get to the tavern, hm?

Everyone continues walking. After a moment, a crossbow bolt strikes Bryn in her left upper arm. She cries out in pain.

Bryn: OW!

Brocc pauses.

Brocc: …what the Brocc?!

Bryn: Someone shot me!

Brocc: Oh, crap... oh, crap...

Brocc sniffs the air as he walks past a manure cart.

Brocc: Oh, LITERAL crap... this is bad... this is bad...

Bryn: Calm down, Brocc.

Brocc: Calm down?! Do you have ANY idea what just happened?!

Bryn: Yeah, I've been shot in the arm. Pretty sure I know who did it and why, so no big deal.

Brocc: No big deal...? This is the WORST thing you've ever done!

Bryn: Me?! I didn't shoot MYSELF, dumdum!

Brocc: No. You did something much, MUCH worse...

Bryn: Which is?

Brocc: You spoke after Thobrun told us to shut up.

Bryn's eyes widen as we hear a sound reminiscent of a whistling kettle grow louder and louder. We cut to a view of Thobrun; his face is pink, and a jet of steam is being expelled from each ear.

Bryn: ...oops.

***
Opening Credits

***
Scene 2: Temple of Marilina: Early Afternoon

Bryn sits on a stretcher inside a room of silvery-grey brick. Emily stands nearby holding a cloth soaked with alcohol.

Bryn: OOOOOOOOWOWOWOWOW! It stings!

Emily: I have yet to apply the cloth to your wound.

Bryn: Oh. Okay then.

Emily applies the cloth to Bryn’s arm.

Bryn: Oh, that doesn’t sting anywhere near as much as I thought it wou-

Bryn’s eyes suddenly open wide.

Bryn: *BLEEP*?! *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* *BLEEP*! This *BLEEP* is *BLEEP* *BLEEP*, and *BLEEP* is SO gonna *BLEEP* *BLEEP* when I *BLEEP* *BLEEP* that *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* green *BLEEP* hair of his! And another thing, *BLEEP* *BLEEP* ooh, that *BLEEP* is NOT a *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP* *BLEEP*-

We cut to a view of Emily and Mak as Bryn’s speech continues to be censored in the background. Mak is holding a device with a red button labelled “Stress-B-Gone mini”, with the bleeps sounding out with each press. Emily raises an eyebrow at Mak, who stops pressing the button with a sheepish, apologetic grin.

Bryn: -banana muffin fundraiser! And THAT is why I both appreciate AND support the services of the Temple of Marilina despite my patron being a completely different Celestial Being.

Emily gently rubs the wound with the cloth.

Emily: Much obliged, Brynwon.

Bryn: That’s my name! Don’t wear it out!

Mak: Don’t wear what out...?

Bryn: Brynwon!

Mak: Brynwon? As in your name, Brynwon?

Bryn: Yes, as in my name, Brynwon. My name, which is Brynwon... please don’t wear it out.

Emily: Okay, we will not wear out your name, Brynwon.

Mak: Yes, Brynwon, we will not wear out the name Brynwon.

Bryn: Thank you both for not wearing out my name... which is Brynwon.

Mak: By the way, Brynwon, it’s the Dragon Festival.

Bryn: The DRAGON Festival?! WOO-HOO! We’re just in time for my favourite festival of the year!

Mak: I thought your favourite festival was the Party Festival because, and I quote: (cue overly-exaggerated Cockney accent) “Oi can does wha’evah Oi loikes, an’ NONE o’ youse lots is gonna do nuffink abou’ it!”.

Bryn: Hey, that sounds NUFFINK like me!

Mak: Wo’evah ya says, ya Cockney guvna birdie putt...

Bryn: HEY! Enough with the terrible impressions! That’s BROCC’s schtick!

Mak: Mmph... fine...

Bryn: Thank you, Makksimus! *razzes*

Mak: It’s... Makkmak.

Bryn: Oh yeah. Silly me! Wait... “Makkmak”...? But that’s... that’s...

Bryn giggles. Mak looks over at Emily.

Mak: Uh… what’s with her?

Emily: I gave her a remedy to ease the pain. It seems I may have made it a little bit too strong.

Bryn looks over at Mak. A smirk appears on her face.

Bryn: BFFFFFFFFAHAHAHAHA! That’s as silly-sounding as Brynwon! Silly... sounding... sssssssilly... sssssssyl... sssssyl hoooooman... Emil-il-il-il-il-il-ilyyyyyy the sssssilly sssssyl hoooooman... and Mak-ak-akka-mak-ak-ak-ak the hawwwwwf-or-kor-korc... hawwwwwfff hooooooo-OOO-oooooman... or-kor-korc Mama... hoooooman Dada... Makkmakkmakkmakkmak... TA-DAAAAAAA! It’s-a wittle bebbeh MAKKMAK!

Mak (to Emily): A “little bit” too strong?

Bryn laughs uncontrollably.

Bryn: HAHAHAHAHA! Heh... ... ... ... ... “Cabbages”...

Bryn faints.

Scene 3: Kisetsu Town: Early Afternoon

Zed, Amethyst, Thobrun and Brocc sit at a table in a Kisetsuese restaurant. The smells of various dishes tantalise their noses. Zed is eating a bowl of noodles with fried sweet bean curd.

Zed: Ooh, briny!

Brocc: Actually, that broth is made with bean juice, not brine.

Zed: Really? I thought the whole thing about beans being fruit was just a myth.

Amethyst: You are correct, mon cher. Beans are, in fact, legumes.

Brocc: Well, yeah. EVERYONE knows that fact, Amejisto!

Amethyst: Whomst?

Brocc: I-I mean... “Amethyst”...

Amethyst: Spoilers, sweetie.

Zed: Well... how can you juice beans if they aren’t actually fruit?

Thobrun: Well, the same way you’d juice tomatoes, I assume.

Brocc: Uh... Thobrun? Tomatoes ARE fruit.

Thobrun: Poppybrocc! Next thing, you’ll be telling me that ketchup is traditionally made from fish and that potaytoes and potahtoes are the same thing!

Brocc: Okay, dude, are you SERIOUSLY trying to mess with me?

Zed: Yeah, Thobrun. Everyone KNOWS there’s no such things as potoroos!

Brocc: No, Zed, he... you know what? Never mind. I think I’m just gonna go to Little Verdelvum and order some tasty mac n’ cheese with just a HINT of garlic.

A woman at another table turns to face Zed.

Woman: Forgive me for interrupting your meal. Did I overhear that you are very good acquaintances with Makkmak Clay, whose breath just REEKS of garlic?

Zed: Uh… not exactly, though funnily enough we ARE very good acquaintances with Makkmak Clay, whose breath just REEKS of garlic.

Woman: Then it is you...

Zed: M-Me?! I mean... WHAT?!

Woman: Indeed. You are the one who was brought to this world by a seahorse.

Zed: Whoa… then the rumours ARE true...

Mak: What?! Those rumours about my breath are exaggerated at best!

Mak and Bryn unexpectedly stand at the table.

Brocc: EEP! How did you do that?!

Mak: I’ll tell you how I did it if you tell me how YOU do it first.

Brocc: NEVAH! Nevah shall I EVAH, FELLAH!

Mak: It’s... Makkmak.

Woman: My, my, little Makkmak, how you and your musk have grown.

Zed: Actually, it’s pronounced, “MUSS-ools”.

Mak’s eyes suddenly widen. He suddenly points at the woman.

Mak: Wait a minute… I know you! You were my school teacher!

Ceras smiles.

Ceras: I see you are as observant as ever.

Brocc: HEY! Only BRYN is allowed to condescend Mak!

Mak: Actually, she was being sincere.

Brocc: WHUUUUUUUH...?

Bryn: Not everyone in this parody uses thinly-veiled insults, Gratekin!

Ceras: Makkmak here was my brightest pupil, excelling in all his academic endeavours.

Brocc: And yet he settled on being a hulking, meat-fisted, meat-headed-

Mak: Mmmff...

Brocc: Utting the Shocc brup.

Ceras: In any case, I would like to invite this young seacolt to my shop. I will explain more there.

Zed slurps the last of his udon for a ridiculously long time. Zed turns to face Ceras.

Zed: Yatta! (“Yah, sure, you betcha!”)

Ceras: After you finish your meal, of course.

Zed: Oh, good. I was hoping I could finish the rest of my-

Zed notices a particularly-large tempura prawn.

Zed: Ooh, fry-ny!

Zed stabs the prawn with his fork and takes a bite.

Scene 4: Thieves’ Guild: Early Afternoon

Bryn enters the Thieves’ Guild, her left upper arm tightly-bandaged. The room is filled with many roguish individuals from a multitude of races, most notably humans and halflings. Bryn seems to be looking for someone.

Bryn’s thoughts: Okay, where can I find…aha! Perfect!

Bryn walks up to a bolgard, who has his back facing her. Bryn taps him on the shoulder with her right hand.

Bryn: Oi! Broccface!

The bolgard turns to face Bryn. He is about Bryn’s height, with olive skin, a large nose and a small tuft of dark grey hair on top of his head. A scowl is spread across his face.

Bolgard: Who are ya callin’ “Broccface”, Sven-for-brains?!

Both individuals scowl at each other, seemingly in a standoff of intimidation. Then both individuals laugh heartily and briefly clench each other’s right forearms.

Bolgard: Bryn! It’s so good to-

Bryn punches Gazzo in the arm.

Gazzo: OW! Is THAT how ya greet an old-

Bryn punches Gazzo in the arm.

Gazzo: Seriously, what the Br-

Bryn punches Gazzo in the arm.

Gazzo: BRYN!

Bryn: THAT’S for slippin’ that potion of gender-flipping into my drink! I was a man for a whole year!

Gazzo: Well, I… wait... why didn’t you take the antidote?

Bryn: ... what, uh... what antidote...?

Gazzo: You’re kidding, right?

Bryn: No...?

Gazzo: Well, when I pulled that prank, I gave your party leader a bottle filled with a blend of cucumber, muddvak cheese and Archaelian fruits.

Bryn: Wait... that sounds suspiciously similar to that lotion the druid dude gave me...

Gazzo: So you didn’t get my antidote back then? Heh... your leader probably thought it was fruity aioli dip and ate it!

Bryn: WHAT?!

Gazzo examines Bryn’s arm.

Gazzo: Ah, I see ya found my latest gift!

Bryn: Yeah, but the delivery coulda been gentler.

Gazzo’s eyes widen.

Gazzo: Hey, hey, ya know what I’m like!

Bryn: Yeah, yeah, I know...

Bryn removes the crossbow bolt from her belt. It is entirely made of metal, which glistens and sparkles beautifully.

Gazzo: If ya don’t like it, I can-

Bryn: Oh, no you don’t! This thing was embedded in my arm. The LEAST you can do is let me keep this “gift”!

Gazzo: Awright, awright... just don’t ask about the type of alloy used in it.

Bryn: Why not?

Gazzo: To quote your elf friend, “Spoilers, sweetie.”

Bryn: Wow, that was a surprisingly accurate impression of Amethyst.

Gazzo chuckles.

Gazzo: Well, we all have our talents, like your amazing ability to-

Bryn: Gazzo...

Gazzo: Sorry... now come on, ya brother, Guildmaster Rowen, is waiting.

Bryn: Good, I’ve been meaning to... wait... Rowie is the WHAT?!

Scene 5: Guild Leader’s Chamber: Thieves’ Guild: Mid Afternoon

A kindred with short, wavy, dirty-blonde hair sits on a rather ornate chair. The doors at the far side of the room swing open, revealing Gazzo and Bryn. The two thieves approach the chair and stand facing the halfling. Gazzo clears his throat.

Gazzo: Guild Leader Rowen, I present Her Royal Greatness, Mademoiselle Fartnugget of Platinia.

Bryn punches Gazzo in the arm.

Bryn: I’ll “Fartnugget” you, Gazzo!

Rowen leaps to his feet and walks over to Bryn. He smiles and opens his arms wide. Bryn smiles back and opens her arms, and the two siblings embrace. They let go of each other.

Bryn: It’s so good to see you again, brother.

Rowen grins widely.

Bryn: Oh, YOU can talk! I know you’re the one who-

Rowen nods.

Bryn: Really? THAT’S why you swiped it?

Brocc suddenly stands next to Bryn.

Brocc: Swiped what?

Bryn cries out.

Bryn: Oh, for Brocc’s sake! Stop doing that!

Brocc: No.

Bryn: Why, you same-sized...

Brocc: So what’s everyone doing here?

Bryn: Uh... this is the Thieves’ Guild. Where thieves hang out.

Brocc: Okay...?

Bryn: Which is us.

Brocc: Hey, I’m not a thief! I’m a-

Rowen quietly clears his throat, a stern look on his face.

Brocc: What...? How could you POSSIBLY know THAT, Bryn’s brother?!

Bryn: He has a name, you know!

Brocc: Well, I don’t know his name, Mary Sue!

Gazzo holds his right hand behind his head and grins, a large drop of sweat sliding down the left side of his face.

Gazzo: Uh... can we wrap this up before the Karaoke Contest?

Brocc: Oh, I LOVE karaoke!

Oooooooh-

Bryn trips up Brocc.

Brocc: -AAAAAAAAH! *THUD*

Bryn: Now that THAT’S taken care of...

Brocc stands to his feet.

Bryn: …I wanna show you what this goober gave me.

Brocc: Hey, I’m NOT a goober!

Bryn: Not you, the OTHER goober.

Gazzo: Heehee... ... ... ... ... ... ... hey!

Bryn hands the bolt to Rowen, who examines it closely.

Bryn: Nice, huh?

A puzzled look spreads across Rowen’s face.

Bryn: No Broccing idea whatsoever. It feels like it’d fetch a decent sum.

Brocc: You mean “FLETCH” a decent sum... geddit? Huh? Huh? ‘Cos it’s a-

Bryn trips up Brocc.

Brocc: -AAAAAAAAH! *THUD*

Bryn: Now that THAT’S taken care of... AGAIN...

Brocc stands to his feet.

Bryn: ...any idea what to do with it?

Rowen shakes his head.

Bryn: Well, I’m sure we can-

Erik’s voice: I need to confiscate your crossbow bolt.

Erik enters the room and approaches Rowen. The kindred hands the bolt to him. Erik examines it.

Bryn: Why do you want my bolt, Erik?

Gazzo: And why d’ya expect me ta just HAND it over ta ya, human?

Erik: Ever heard of the Kelpie?

Gazzo: Ya mean that seaweed salad stuff they’re selling in every marketplace in the city over the next two days or so?

Bryn: Gazzo? Plot Devicebound business. Get the Brocc outta here.

Gazzo: Awright, awright, I’m goin’, I’m goin...

Gazzo races out of the room. Erik turns to face Brocc.

Erik: Your presence suggests that Zed is within the city walls.

Brocc: Yep, but he’s on his way to some weird hedge magic shop with Mak’s Cuckoo Cloudclamber elementary school teacher.

Erik’s thoughts: Wait... not good... if Ceras spoils too much of the plot before Zed’s...

Erik looks at Brocc.

Erik: Occbray, eeway eednay ootay ohgay OWNAY. (“Brocc, we need to go NOW.”)

Brocc: Uh...?

Erik: Oilerspay ertalay. Anderzay annotcay ohnay ootay utchmay issthay oonsay tooinay the eazonsay. (“Spoiler alert. Zander cannot know too much this soon into the season.”)

Bryn: Is... he making wisecracks about your preference in-

Erik: Occbray, EASEPLAY! (“Brocc, PLEASE!”)

Bryn: Getting a LITTLE alienated right now...

Brocc: Oh... utbay otway outabay erhay? (“Oh... but what about her?”)

Erik: I’m oreshay she illway ebay inefay. (“I’m sure she will be fine.”)

Brocc: Airfay uffeenay. Etlay’s ohgay and elphay Anderzay! (“Fair enough. Let’s go and help Zander!”)

Erik bows and leaves the room, followed by Brocc. Bryn turns to face them, then turns back to face Rowen.

Bryn: I can’t figure out if they’re gonna auction some items online, or-

Rowen shrugs.

Bryn: That’s what I thought.

To be Continued...

***
Closing Credits

***
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